By Letesha Nelson, GCC president and executive director
As a Black leader, I always wonder about our young men. Who is going to be in their corner? After all, they are going to be husbands, partners and fathers, co-workers and leaders who will be making decisions that affect other people’s lives. They have to be able to handle the complexity of their feelings and be able to respond to a changing world with consideration and compassion.
For decades, Goodman Community Center has offered girls and young women the nationally renowned Girls Inc. program. It delivers on their mission — it’s helped countless girls become strong, smart and bold. What do we have to offer boys and young men? GCC has had a popular, locally grown boys club for decades, but it’s been at its best the last couple of years.
That’s when Goodman started partnering with Domestic Abuse Intervention Services to offer its evidence-based program, MENS — Men Encouraging Non-violent Strength — Club in local schools together.
DAIS’ MENS Club program provides a safe space where 10-12 boys in middle and high school meet to support each other in their journey to manhood. It sounds so simple — getting together to talk — but the impact it’s having on young men is quite profound. Turns out, having women there to lend their perspective has made it even stronger.
All the MENS Club facilitators told me stories about how powerful it is, but I wondered what the boys say about it. So I met with Jordan, one of the young men. I wanted to hear about MENS Club from his perspective.
Jordan, 14, reflects on how MENS Club changed him
Jordan, a ninth-grade student at East High School, talked with me about being in MENS Club when he was in seventh grade at O’Keeffe Middle School. He’s been a Goodman student for a few years, but this was the first time I’d had the chance to talk with him. He is a handsome, thoughtful young man. I was touched by how quick he opened up to me.

“I joined because I knew one of the program leaders, Kijuan. And I thought it would be good for me,” he shared. “At first, I was a little nervous, but after the first couple of weeks, I felt so close to everyone. There was only one rule: What happens in MENS Club stays in MENS Club. So, I knew I could say anything and it wouldn’t be disclosed. I wouldn’t be judged. It was like a family.
“MENS Club changed my perspective on a lot of things — current events, social justice stuff, gender, dating, people who are LGBTQ. Lots of times I had a view on something and then we talked about it a week or two and it changed my perspective.
“We talked about relationships too. Staying protected, the difference between loving and liking someone and consent — like how under the influence, you can’t have sex. And we talked about porn. How porn can become an addiction and why that isn’t good for you.”
Then Jordan paused and explained how they always talked about all these things through the lens of what it means to be a man — and masculinity.
Challenging and expanding the definition of masculinity
Jordan gave an example of one topic the boys themselves asked to talk about — a social media influencer named Andrew Tate. He told me, “He was into bad things like sex trafficking.”
I admit, I had to Google him. According to Wikipedia, “He uses his platform to deliver his disturbing views on rape, relationships and power.” When I went to his website, the first thing I saw, in an intimidating font was, “Are you ready to dominate?”
“The students came in wanting to talk about the ways Andrew Tate was great for men and masculinity, so we looked at his story and female-identified co-facilitators from DAIS shared their perspectives too,” Zoë Heitzinger said, a DAIS prevention manager who coordinates MENS Club. “The boys left with big feelings of their beliefs being challenged. Some of them left the room saying, ‘I am going to talk about this with my friends now, like how this is problematic!’”
“People noticed how I changed. They thought I was more mature. I started saying things differently.”
Howard Hayes, GCC’s assistant director of youth and one of the original MENS Club facilitators, showed me a trailer for Byron Hurt’s documentary “Beyond Beats and Rhymes.” He uses it as a discussion starter too.
“Hurt loves hip-hop, but invites viewers to consider the misogyny, violence and homophobia entwined in the music,” he said. “Another time we asked the boys to collaborate and create two lists — the good and bad traits people use to describe masculinity. We never run out of topics.”
Welcoming other perspectives
I was surprised when I learned that a woman co-facilitates what I think of as a sacred space just for young men. I asked Jordan what he thought about having a woman as one of the leaders and his whole face lit up.
“Oh, there was always a woman there. Zoë was way different than a lot of women I’ve met,” he said. “I could share my feelings with her. She was open to everyone’s opinions. She was pleased to teach you. She respected us. But if someone was being disrespected, she would lay her foot down and protect them.”
He then added, “She used to give me tips about how girls feel in different situations. And give me advice from a woman’s perspective.”
“Having a women share her lived experience is so important,” Hayes said. “Let’s say we’re asking the boys to imagine walking past a construction site with a girl when one of the dudes whistles at her. I could tell them what I’ve learned about how that makes a girl feel, but having a woman there to describe the fear and anxious feelings it triggers? The boys really hear her. And I think they just appreciate having a woman want to tell them real stuff. Where else do they get that?”
The partnership between DAIS and other partners, such as Goodman, has another benefit, Heitzinger explained.
“For the students to see a strong and healthy working relationship play out in front of them as both facilitators contribute to the space is really awesome,” Heitzinger said. “Especially for it to be primarily female-identified staff on the DAIS end and male-identified staff on the Goodman end, the students get to witness a strong collaboration. And they learn as they watch us navigate differences in opinion with genuine consideration for each other’s perspectives.”
Developing the confidence to change
I’m always impressed by people who choose to change. It’s not easy. You have to be strong to admit you can do better. But that is exactly what’s happening among the boys in MENS Club.
“People noticed how I changed. They thought I was more mature,” Jordan said. “I started saying things differently. Instead of getting mad about something, I’d calm myself down. I was more wise. And I was way better at giving advice.
“I could tell a friend, ‘This person is manipulating you. They’re not good for you.’ I encourage friends to choose friends who help them become a better person. Someone who will be there for them.”
I asked Jordan if he saw the other guys changing too.
“Definitely. We all grew,” he said. “Sometimes guys start out sort of portraying a masculine character, they’re not their true selves. But after being in MENS Club for a while, everyone ends up being chill and relaxed about just being who they are.”
Heitzinger shared another story that shows how the boys change.
“They came into MENS Club excited to tell me, ‘Miss Zoë, over the break me and some other boys were online playing a game and one of the players said the B-word and when he did that, me and other MENS club members said to him, ‘Hey that’s not cool!’” Heitzinger said.
Gaining tools to navigate a complex world
For several years, Kijuan Smith has been one of Goodman’s co-facilitators of MENS Club.
“We have conversations about anything and everything related to masculinity — and being a young Black man,” Smith said. “We talk about stuff in the news that’s relevant to who they are, all kinds of relationships — school. We talk about how to do things and how to be expressive, respectable and loving men.”
When the boys have questions like: What do you do when your friend comes out as trans or gay? How can you help when a friend is getting into something unhealthy? How can you intervene when a friend is a victim or perpetrator of violence? the whole club is there to listen and be a support.
“We do not expect them to do a full 180 and change all their opinions and beliefs. What we want to help cultivate is a space where they feel safe enough to be challenged and safe enough to grow.”
“We create a safe place for them to figure out their life in real time. You see them grow up and grow wiser — conversation by conversation,” Hayes said. “They develop decision-making and interpersonal skills that will serve them well throughout their lives. If they can start practicing those skills in middle school, by their mid-20s, it will change how they see their intimate relationships and how they approach their lives.
“So, when the mother of one of the boys gets sick and needs him to take care of younger siblings, he has the emotional bandwidth to do that. Or when they are struggling with something, they say ‘I need help’ because they’ve learned that isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. These young men learn to lean on each other and trust themselves to make good decisions.
“And we always ask them to be intentional about who they choose to emotionally invest in. They begin seeking out the people who will not only affirm them, but also call them on stuff. Help them become a better person. And they’re prepared to be that person too.”
I love how he describes the expectations the facilitators have for the boys.
“We do not expect them to do a full 180 and change all their opinions and beliefs,” Hayes said. “What we want to help cultivate is a space where they feel safe enough to be challenged and safe enough to grow.”
Jordan’s hoping his schedule this fall will allow him to join MENS Club again. No wonder!
Running into alumni
Hayes is amazed by how often staff run into alumni of MENS Club or all the iterations of Goodman’s boys’ groups over the years. They run into them all the time. On the bus, in the schools, here at Goodman — all over. In the past couple of months, they ran into a nurse at UW Hospital, a Findorf construction worker, a local graphic artist and the dean of students at Memorial High School. We also have alumni who work at Goodman now.
“I know these men are doing well because many people affirmed them as they grew up,” Hayes said. “Goodman and DAIS staff are honored to be one of those positive forces in young men’s lives.”
Right now — maybe more than ever — we need and want to be here for ALL kids. And for each other.
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